


Come to the End

by orphan_account



Category: Dear Evan Hansen - Pasek & Paul/Levenson
Genre: A reflection of sorts, Aftermath, Evan is trying, Other, kind of sad i guess
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2017-08-07
Updated: 2017-08-07
Packaged: 2018-12-12 06:38:00
Rating: General Audiences
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 1
Words: 922
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/11731563
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/orphan_account/pseuds/orphan_account
Summary: Evan's final apology.





	Come to the End

_Dear Connor Murphy,_

_Simply put I messed up. In a multitude of ways, I managed to simultaneously make everything worse while dragging you along. I’m sorry about that, by the way. I guess I unintentionally used you as a stepping stone to popularity. Yet another wrong thing I’d managed to do within these last few months._

_I didn’t actually know you, but somehow I thought it was okay to convince everyone I was your best friend. Obviously I wasn’t and maybe something could’ve happened if i’d actually tried to stop you that day in the computer lab or actually talked to you when we were in the same classes. Those are on me. It's just, your mom just looked so sad and your dad seemed panicked and i just didn't want to take what seemed to be the one thing they had away from them._

_Formally, if you were still alive i’d beg for your forgiveness, except you're not and I can't actually make it up to you for what i've done. Maybe you already know what i’m trying to say; maybe writing this is pointless. I’m sorry for everything. The letters, the lies, borrowing your tie, intruding in your world, and more; you weren't there and I guess I thought that meant I could do whatever. Turns out, that's not the case._

_Maybe in some other universe we could’ve been friends._

_Sincerely, me._

Evan moved from his bed to the printer to retrieve the note. He hadn't really edited it much but considered that since it was just for someone he’d spent the past few months getting to know, Connor probably wouldn't care if it was simple. He’d spent so long trying to mold the dead boy’s image into this cookie cutter image that the raw of the letter seemed to be more fitting. He didn't feel like lying anymore.

In the aftermath of it all, Connor was the one he was apologizing to last. There wasn't really a specific order, but it felt natural for him to be the final one. Like everything he’d done before to fix stuff just led him to Connor being the end.

Evan didn't know much about the afterlife. It was hard to say if the letter would even reach who it was intended for. Afterall, it wasn't like he really knew what happened after death. Even if Connor did end up reading the letter, he probably wouldn't forgive him. Evan would be handle that though, at least he had tried.

The graveyard in which Connor was buried wasn't that far, which meant that he didn't have to take the bus, but in another way crept Evan out despite knowing that everything buried there could in no way harm him, physically anyway. Either way, it was kinda convenient given the situation.

He took a deep breath, bracing himself. Here we go. He thought to himself,shoving the letter in his jacket pocket absentmindedly before walking out the door. It wouldn't have been the first time he'd visited the graveyard; his grandparents were there and he obviously went to Connor’s funeral having played his best friend. Evan hadn't been back since, but he knew his way around.

The grave wasn't hard to find. He already knew where it was having attended Connor’s funeral. Even if he didn't, Cynthia didn't exactly pick out a subtle gravestone. Evan walked to it, taking a deep breath. Was it weird to be nervous visiting the grave of someone he didn't know well but said he was best friends with after he’d died? He assumed so, given the circumstances.

Laying the letter down was strange, not just because he wasn't sure if anyone would ever read it. It was like he was letting go of something he didn't realize he had. Everything he’d done to fix his mistake now seemed like a band-aid, he had been slowly trying to rip it off until then. A mixture of emotions washed over him like a dam had been broken. Suddenly, he was left to feel everything he'd been keeping down. He’d made up this image of Connor that he was personally letting go of. There was no amazing friendship or trips to the apple orchard. Everything hed made up wasn't the actual Connor, Evan knew that, but still he would never really get to fully understand him and that kinda stung. There were stories, and pictures, and videos, none of which he got to comment on. He wasn't a headcase like the people at school thought he was; he was just tired of everything he had to go through on a day-to-day basis. Evan wasn't connor. He couldn't explain how he felt in his final moments, but he knew he’d felt something like it multiple times.

He felt like he was saying goodbye to someone knowing that it was the end, because well, it kinda was. There was a stillness around him. In that moment there wasn't room to be anxious, he had other things on his mind. There was nothing left to say or give. Everything was calm, ending.

“I'm sorry.” Evan whispered, a tear falling down his face. He wouldn't have the letters anymore, the last email was given to the real Connor. Come spring, the snow will melt and the paper will no longer hold the contents it did before, but it will still mean the same thing. A pleading to Connor, the last apology, a what would've happened if we just got past that moment in the computer lab.

**Author's Note:**

> so that was my first fic. Thanks for actually reading instead of skipping over it!
> 
> sort of inspired by this ask: http://joodlepot.tumblr.com/post/162175243486/breaks-through-door-what-if-after-the-musical


End file.
